It Doesn’t Matter

Do you ever feel like no one understands you?

How you feel? Your humor? Your off putting affinity for skulls? Your not so secret desire to live on an island?

Do you ever feel so alone?

Maybe you share some of those feelings and maybe you have some quirks of your own that make you feel ostracized sometimes.

I can relate. Some days, it feels like “Ostracized” is my middle name.

I don’t regularly do the two seemingly most common American activities: drink alcohol and watch tv.

If I had to guess, I would say that on average, I have about one martini every 8 weeks and watch about 1-3 hours of internet videos a week. I watch no regular tv shows, even though I do plan to catch up on “The X-Files” soon.

Do you know what these facts make me? Well, they make me almost a social pariah.

People are so strangely uncomfortable when I tell them I don’t drink much and I watch almost no television. They think that I’m odd, and technically, they’re right.

I feel odd and I feel misunderstood.

I use the examples of television and alcohol as somewhat light hearted examples, but I’ve also often felt deeply misunderstood, sometimes even telling myself that I will NEVER find someone who understands me.

Well, here’s the thing: IT DOES NOT MATTER. So the f*ck what?

Recently, I was listening to an Eckhart Tolle talk and he addressed the ongoing need that we can sometimes have to feel understood. And of course, when our version of understanding does not come, we make ourselves feel miserable. We tell ourselves horrible things, like no one will ever understand, or we are terrible for being so odd, so on and so forth.

But all of those things are unknown. Maybe you’ll find the jelly to your peanut butter. Maybe you’re just a singular, delicious nut spread.

Regardless, the better focus is on understanding yourself. There’s so much focus that we can develop on what other people are giving us that we neglect to give ourselves anything.

So, maybe your family thinks you’re nuts? You might actually be a little weird. Maybe no one does understand you.

SO WHAT?

Do you, who has the most access to you,understand you?

No?

Then you’ve already got enough things to do.

So many, in fact, that you might not have much time to watch the tele.

Until tomorrow my friends…

I’m Tired Of This

Whose idea was it for me to write every day for a year?!

I haven’t made it through even 60 days of the challenge and I’m kind of sick of it!

Me and my bright ideas!

Maybe today I’m just feeling tired and a little burned out, but also, I know that almost no one is reading this,which is demotivating.

Is this important enough for me to keep writing just to keep the promise to myself?

Well, I suppose keeping a promise to yourself is the best kind of promise you can keep.

But today, tonight, honestly, I just want to throw the whole blog and promise in a big, shiny trash bin and light it all on fire.

Speaking of trash bins, I keep mine in the garage and I swept the garage early this morning. Have you ever swept a garage? After it was done and the floor was all clear, it was SO SATISFYING! My gawd! I actually stood there, still wearing my robe and bonnet, hands on my hip, and admired how nice it looked after I swept. It was amazing.

Maybe I should start writing about cleaning hacks? Just kidding, other than sweeping the garage once a year, I know almost nothing about being a super tidy person.

How was your day?

If you’re out there in Internet land, please like or comment on this post.

Let me know that you’re reading my weird blog and are enjoying it.

If you hate it, keep that to yourself. I have enough critical nature in my own mind and I don’t welcome it from outsiders.

Unless you mail me a snickers bar.

Until tomorrow, my friends…

Cheat Day

The past two weeks have been so busy. My candle wick has been burned down to a tiny little nub.

Here’s to a cheat day!

This is a poem that I wrote on January 8, 2018. Not that long ago!

Have a great weekend and as usual, see ya tomorrow, friends…

What’s in the sun’s rays?

It’s the boyish grin of a fella on a first date,

It’s the warm smile that a balding father gives to his kids,

It’s the delight of children who know that they picked the right day to play sick,

It’s the lonely eyes of the writer, the observer, who watches it all

What It’s Like: Being an Entrepreneur

It’s horrible. The END.

 

Wait, sorry, please come back, and I’ll tell you what it’s like to be an entrepreneur. And, before you stop reading, this is not some post trying to sell you a class on entrepreneurship. This is just an honest, one woman account of what it’s like to be an entrepreneur.

First, a little bit of my backstory.

I guess I could say that entrepreneurship is in my blood and my nature. My father was an entrepreneur for as long as there are stories about him, at least the ones that I have heard. I did not grow up around him, but I know some things about his entrepreneurial adventures.

My father owned a nightclub, neighborhood grocery store, and a mechanic / tire shop. My mother told me that she had no idea why he owned a nightclub; he did not like people and he especially did not like drunk ones. I suppose that I get my misanthropy and dislike for alcohol through my father’s blood line.

All of his businesses were successful and he was successful. He lived well and drove nice cars and had a nice house. I never saw the inside of the houses or the car, at least in my memory, but I have heard about them.

My elderly uncle once told me a story about how my father was also kind of a shrewd / asshole / rule following kind of guy. My uncle said that once, a guy went into my father’s grocery store and practically begged him to let him buy beer on a Sunday. My father told him no, and didn’t budge.

I am starting to see a theme here: I look like my mother, but the inside of my head and the darkness of my soul are thanks to my father. I would have done the same thing, if it were me. Get out of here with your Sunday beer money, sir. Come back when the laws change, duh!

I’ve never had much interest in rule or law breaking unless it’s speeding while driving. I just cannot stand to go 35 mph. I simply must go 38 mph. Call me a rebel.

My own foray into entrepreneurship began in middle school. In between the bell rings for us to change classes, I sold cookies to the greedy and hungry kids. I even sold them after I was caught with “contraband” and sent to the principal’s office. I retract my previous statement about not breaking rules. Those rules would have negatively impacted my business. So, perhaps, I would have sold that guy a beer on Sunday.

I majored in Business and Entrepreneurship in college. Then, one day, years after graduating from college the first time and the second time, I had a dream of opening a bakery.

Over the years, I have toyed with the idea of opening a bakery. The idea of it is crystal clear in my head. I even recruited a friend to help me figure out numbers, costs, all this stuff. It’s a somewhat secret dream of mine (as in everyone I know knows about it), and I would like to make it happen one day, hopefully soon.

But for now, my life as an entrepreneur is based on the reality of needing money and paying bills, you know the unsexy stuff. Right now, I am loosely a writer (kind of) and I work for clients. It is terribly unsexy, but it is a good way to put my pinky toe into the world of being a bonafied business owner, a self employed guru in the making.

So, what’s it like?

IT IS TERRIFYING.

I do not have the finger strength to write all the things I could write about the fear I have experienced and continue to experience as an entrepreneur. When you’re first starting out, the learning curve is so steep, that you just have to commit to feeling like you’re drowning. You might feel like that for the foreseeable future. So, commit to being uncomfortable and get on with it.

YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING ALL DAY.

This past week, I have worked so much that I couldn’t even turn my brain off. So, even when I was asleep, I was still having some weird dreams about due dates and such. I barely took lunch breaks and I certainly was  not napping!

YOU WORK NO MATTER WHAT.

Sick days? GTFOH. Pain? Work anyway. Tummy aches? Work anyway. Sick and tired? Get your ass to the desk.

THERE IS ALWAYS WORK TO DO.

As a service based entrepreneur, it’s kind of like feast or famine. You either have so much work that you want to run away or there’s no work and you consider becoming a street beggar or gypsy.

YOUR BRAIN IS RARELY OFF.

See above explanation.

IT IS REWARDING.

Yay! The “man” is YOU. You get to boss yourself around and make yourself miserable! It’s great.

YOU HAVE SOME FREEDOM.

Unless you’re farther down the entrepreneurial road than I am, then there’s not a shit ton of freedom. You have to find your own customers, please the customers, deliver the product or service. Basically, you might be able to work from 9:48 am – 7:02 pm, but you’re still bound by your need to make your business successful.

YOU HAVE ALL OF THE RESPONSIBILITY.

This one is a doozie. It is both liberating and misery inducing. You are the king of the castle and it’s great until you realize that all of the knights and peasants are looking at you to direct the show.

 

With all of those things in mind, I am still incredibly fortunate to even have the opportunity to be an entrepreneur. My route to entrepreneurship was convoluted and almost terrifying (to say the least), but I am happy to be on this road.

Enough talking to you; I’ve got to get back to alternating between working and crying in the corner.

Until tomorrow, my friends…

PS! Are you an entrepreneur? If so, what’s your business? Leave me a comment below!

Friday Starts at 7:01 am

I slept in a little bit today, even though I had an important meeting this morning. Last night, I remember reaching to set the alarm clock on my phone and then I only remember the darkness of being swallowed by the sleepy.

Luckily, my meeting wasn’t until 11:00 am, so I had several hours to wake up and worry about the things that could go wrong.

I am getting better about not worrying, though, so I can confidently say that this morning, I worried probably 60% less than I would normally have. Even though worrying is my super power, it was really nice to worry so much less than I usually would have.

Besides, I have been busting my ass on this project, so I almost had nothing to even try to worry about. Aside from wanting to show off a little bit, I had done everything that I could to get the project to the current point. I could do nothing else, aside from turning into a genie.

My meeting went REALLY WELL and I even got free lunch out of the deal. When I left to go to the meeting and threw my bag in the car, I said to myself, “When this meeting is over, it’ll be 2:00 pm, and I will GET  to clean up before bed!”

I said this with a real excitement. I have been so busy that I actually looked forward to cleaning up. That’s kind of sad. But, I do like how I unconsciously phrased cleaning up in a positive way, something that I wouldn’t usually do. My efforts to become a tiny bit more grateful and conscious every day are paying off. I’m thankful that I’m becoming more grateful.

At the end of the meeting, I drove around the corner and exhaled. I didn’t want the client to see me sitting in the car yelling HALLELUJAH, so I drove out of eye sight. I then drove home, and proceeded to work more. I sent them some more work, and at about 6:00 pm, I decided it was time to order some GrubHub (don’t judge me).

I ate my Thai takeout and watched “The Devil Wears Prada.” Have you ever seen that? The end where Meryl Streep gives a little bit of a smile and then sarcastically hisses, GOOOOO to her driver, ah, that darn Meryl Streep. She got me right in the feels with that one.

What does it say about me that I was kind of rooting for Meryl Streep the entire time, not that she needed rooting for, but I should say that she was my favorite character and I could relate to her feelings of annoyance with people and her overall career drive. That probably says that I’m a terrible person, but ah, to hell with it. We need devils to appreciate the angels and besides, no one is a true devil or an angel (watch the damn movie if you don’t believe me, somehow).

I was exhausted by the end of the day, but in a weird way. I still feel good and have a little energy; I just needed a little break from work. I might treat myself to a movie tomorrow, before getting back to work.

Today was a good day, a good Friday. I’m thankful that I woke up and had this day. I could have had a lot of other days, but I’m glad that I had the one that I had.

AND THIS IS THE END OF THE 5 DAY GET OUTTA BED CHALLENGE

What’s next? What challenge do you think I should do? Leave a comment below.

Until tomorrow, my friends…

7:03 AM

I slept a little too well last night.

I didn’t wake up until after 7! Oops! I have been cranking out lots of hours at work and I’ve been a little stressed. I see the late wake up as my body needing a little extra rest.

Today I tutored the elementary aged siblings and we played two riveting rounds of BINGO at the end of the lesson.

The boy child won and chose a pink necklace as his prize. The girl child looked on with a sadness and disappointment that I didn’t expect.

Having worked with children before, I knew that they can be REALLY overdramatic. Perhaps they get it from their parents.

The boy child gave her a devilish grin and put the necklace around his neck. She looked at me and said, “Can I have the purple one?”

I kindly replied, “No, he won, so he gets the prize.” She looked over at the pink necklace with longing eyes.

The boy child then takes it off, and slides it across the table.

“I got it for you! Duh!” He exclaims. Aww! How sweet! I just want to give him a hug for being such a nice brother.

She puts it on and coldly replies, “Thanks.”

I began to talk up the boy child, saying “Oh what a lovely brother he is!” thinking she would cheer up a bit. But then, I looked in her eyes and I saw a little piece of myself staring back at me.

Her brother giving her the necklace WAS a nice gesture.

But do you know what she really wanted?

The VICTORY

The DOLLAR STORE SPOILS

The BRAGGING RIGHTS

The HONOR OF BINGO CHAMPION

Him giving her the necklace was almost a slap to her perfect little face, which continued to remain contorted in displeasure as we played the second round of BINGO and he won again.

I didn’t laugh, and I managed to not make any faces while I packed up to leave. But, I really wanted to pat her on the head, in a loving, non-demeaning way, and say, “It’s going to be all right kid. One day, that’ll be life sitting across the table from you kicking your ass and you won’t know up from down. And life won’t pick the pink necklace just so it can give it to you later. Life is going to pick up the heaviest turd and hurl it at you. And you know what? In that moment, you’ll learn how to keep going.”

Those are the things I wanted to say, to her and her familiar feeling little ego.

My own ego is much older and maybe a bit more intense, but we, me and my ego, are learning to get along just fine.

Until tomorrow, my friends…

PS…do you have kids? Are the monsters? Kidding!

6:08 AM

Is my body getting the hang of things?

Waking up at 6:08 am was a really good time for me. It wasn’t miserably early, but it was early enough to feel accomplished just by getting out of bed at such an early hour.

Just to recap (in case you’re just starting to read my blog), I am challenging to get out of bed whenever my body naturally wakes up, unless it is before 5:30 am. If it’s before 5:30 am, I am giving my permission to try to fall back to sleep.

I absolutely hate the alarm clock. Even though I do naturally wake up at a somewhat decent hour, when I worked a more “regular” job, I used the alarm clock every day. Being jolted awake to the sound of a noisy machine is kind of traumatic, wouldn’t you agree?

I am being a little dramatic, but I still believe it’s true.

I don’t want to be awakened to the sound of anything. I want to just wake up and get on with things, at least on most days.

My day was SUPER BUSY. I began working almost immediately. I then had an appointment, then another appointment, then came back home to work more, then went to tutor. By the time I got back home again, I had almost forgotten to eat dinner and was / am super tired.

I ended up eating some fast food from Wendy’s and guess what? I found not one, but TWO extra chicken nuggets at the bottom of the bag. SCORE!

Also, today a nice lady told me that I have a lovely speaking voice. I do not believe that about myself, but it was very nice to hear that someone else enjoys the sound of my voice.

I also met a good friend for lunch and talking to her made me feel very NORMAL. It is a really lovely feeling to feel normal when you usually feel like, “Am I the only insane person?” <–Turns out, I’m not! How great!

I met a new tutoring client today and she seems lovely. I’m looking forward to working with her in the future.

But for now, I’ve rambled on, and I know that this is not my best writing. I’m off to bed, another victim of another very busy day.

How was your day? Are you going through a busy spell in your life?

Until tomorrow, my friends…

A Challenge Within A Challenge

Hey, is it your first time visiting my blog?

It is?

It is not?

Welcome or welcome back. Let’s start to make things interesting.

Two days this past week, I didn’t feel like there was much going on upstairs. A writer needs a brain to, you know, write.

Some days are like today, when I was actually zonked out on the couch watching YouTube videos, until I looked at the clock and thought OH SHIT! I forgot to write my entry for today.

Other days produce posts like what I wrote yesterday, when the words seemingly poured out of my mind, with ease and emotion. Only three people have clicked on the post from yesterday, even though I think it’s the best one I’ve written so far, so please check it out, if you’re so inclined.

For the next five working days, I am going to throw myself a bone and do a challenge. You know what a challenge is: it’s when someone says they’ll do something for a finite amount of time and then talks about it for that finite amount of time.

So, for the next five days, I am challenging myself to get out of bed whenever I first wake up, if the time is 5:30 am or later. So, if I wake up at 4:45 am, I am taking my ass back to sleep. But, if I wake up at 5:41 am, I am going to do the thing where one moves their body from the bed and into the waking world, ready to take on adventures.

I wonder how this will go? I am sure this activity will give me some fodder for the next few days. I am sure it’ll suck, too, because I change the sheets on Sunday nights, so I am basically dooming myself to spend less time with my fresh sheets come morning time.

What do you think? How will I do?

Have you ever tried this? Leave me a comment below…

Until tomorrow, my friends…

Meaningful Media

A writer is a reader

A good writer is an avid reader.

In the past, I have been asked about how I acquired my command of the English language.  Even though English is notoriously difficult to learn, it can be done with some ease if you read. A lot. All the time.

I have recently rediscovered my fondness for poetry books and personal anecdotes.  I’ve also purchased two issues of “The New Yorker ” in the past month. It’s always good for highly intellectual articles and a challenge to my vocabulary skillset.

Last week, I fell in love with this little book. I read it in a day.  It’s a personal anecdote about meeting life’s changes humbly. I loved it.

What are you reading?

Until tomorrow my friends…

Cheat Day #1

I predicted this.

I predicted, before I started this experiment, this commitment, that some days, I will just be exhausted and not have the will to write.

What will I do on these days? Break my commitment to writing everyday? Well, no , not exactly, but kind of.

On these days, let’s call this cheat day #1, I will share something that I have written in the past. The rules are: 1) It can be anything that I have written in the past and 2) I will not edit it to change the meaning or tone of what I meant at that time.

So, please enjoy this strange, one page anecdote that I wrote way back, almost 7 years ago, on 08/24/2011.

ENJOY

 

A day in the life of corporate America (or The Little Leaf that Could)

 

Today at work, I was sitting outside the building, taking what I like to call my non-smoker smoke break. I came up with this idea after seeing fellow smoking co-workers eagerly plod down the hallway past my office, off to take their smoke breaks. I became a bit jealous, admittedly, and decided to simply go outside, too (and not smoke).

So there I sat, on the green, cast iron rocking chairs in front of my building. A young, blond girl from Human Resources, in all of her young and blonde glory, came by and asked what I was doing. I thought the answer to that question was rather obvious. I was obviously sitting in a chair, rocking back forth, hence the name of the chair. That description describes one hundred percent of my activity at that time. But, I knew her asking the obvious question was an attempt to make conversation, so I decided to one-up her. Not only would I answer her question; I would answer it with a bit of wit and humor.

“I am warming up,” I said, referring to the freezing 65°F that is the normal temperature for our office building.

“Ha ha…that shouldn’t take too long,” she replied. She went on to chat for a few more minutes about some topic in which I was even less interested. I was honestly very happy to see her enter the building. I was tired of both envying her gorgeous shoes and feigning interest in her uninteresting story.

So, returned to my peaceful sitting. No iPhone in my hand. No computer in front of me. Just sitting. And just then, I had an epiphany. Instead of just looking straight ahead (into the parking lot full of good ole’ boy trucks parked next to pretentious eco-friendly trash), why won’t I look UP? UP! UP!! How often do adults look up at the clouds? I wondered to myself. So, I looked up. I relaxed my fluffy ponytail and head on the back of the chair and looked up at the sky. My eyes seemed to react…they seemed to wonder what I was doing. I decided to try to find shapes in the clouds, like little kids do (or something).

I looked for a few seconds when from the corner of my left eye, I saw a small leaf fluttering down, seemingly coming from nowhere. It made its slow descent and landed on one of the tables. I was almost shocked. No, I was completely shocked. Shocked because there are no trees around for quite some distance. There are especially no trees on top of the building. And the leaf just seemed to float down from exactly nowhere.

I looked around. I looked up. Not wanting to seem silly or even the least bit un-cool, I casually stood up and stretched. I even faked a little moan when I stretched, you know, to seem like my stretch was the most authentic stretch ever stretched. I sauntered over to the leaf and looked down. I looked up again, to try to see where it may have come from. Still, no idea. I picked up the small leaf and looked into the windows of the building next to me. The dark tint prevented me from seeing how many people were staring down at me and this incredible, appearing from nowhere, little leaf.

I knew that there were probably dozens of people sitting at their desks inside the building, just cheering me on to keep the leaf and one day describe the awesomeness that broke up the monotony of their corporate America lives. This leaf would have to represent all that we wanted to be- free and floating carelessly, not frozen by overzealous air conditioning or fattened by our sedimentary lifestyles. And all of our freedom would have to come out of nowhere, just like the little leaf.