Last night, I went to a show at Jones Hall, a local performing arts theater. I feel like that previous phrase doesn’t do Jones Hall justice, but that’s the best I can write before I start sounding like I am even more clueless than I am.
I treated myself to an “affordable” seat since I, well, who cares why I bought a cheap seat, right? No one cares. What matters is I will NEVER buy a cheap seat again.
Here’s what you get when you buy a cheap seat:
- Close proximity to modern day peasants
- A headache from squinting for 2 hours to see the performers
- A slow migration to the exit doors
- A desire to be sitting closer
For the purpose of this post, let’s focus on item number one.
Look, I get it. I am one of the stuffiest, most rule abiding and thoughtful and classy and utterly amazing people in existence. I know that not everyone is like me, so in an effort to help others, I have put together a short list to help you determine if you are a peasant, or at least if you act like one in public. Read on and adjust your behavior accordingly.
Peasant Behavior 1: Being Glued to Your Phone
This goes for any show, whether it is at the movie theater (spelled -er) or the performance theatre (spelled -re). If you are one of those annoying, money wasting, rude, stupid ass people who cannot stop checking their phone during the show, then you are, in fact, a modern day peasant.
A proper lady or gentleman cares about the experience of those around and has enough respect to actually pay attention to the art that you paid good money to see. Do you know where you can check your phone FOR FREE? Yes, the parking lot. GTFOH.
Peasant Behavior 2: Video Recording During a Performance
I know it must be so exciting to see talented people do things that neither you nor I will ever be able to do. However, if you’re asked to NOT record during the performance, have some got damn dignity and don’t do it. Besides, your friends are only feigning interest when you show them the footage from half a football field away anyway.
Peasant Behavior 3: Not Promptly Sitting The F*&^ Down
If you must be a complete nuisance and exit your seat during the performance, do so with hurried grace. That means, quickly hop up, bend down like Quasimodo, quietly apologize, and get the f*&^ out of the way, with as little obstruction as possible. No one paid the equivalent of one day’s groceries from Whole Foods to look at your stupid ass face or silhouette.
Peasant Behavior 4: Being Anything Other Than Quiet
Do you have a drink that has noisy ass ice cubes in it? Wait until a rise in the action and noise to slurp it down like the peasant you are. Need to blow your nose? See previous instructions.
Peasant Behavior 5: Being Nasty in General
Speaking of blowing one’s nose, please lean down, put your head in between your legs, and blow. Cover your mouth when you cough. Suck on a hard candy or cough drop if you simply must cough. Better yet, STAY THE F*&^ HOME if your nasty ass is producing too much mucous or are contagious. GOSH!
Thanks for reading my list. I feel better.
Until next time, my friends…