Cheat Day

A poem I wrote on December 31, 2017, while contemplating the end of the year and the eventual end of us all. All rights reserved.

Beautiful life,

Where has the time gone?

Although some days I feel that the lack of wrinkles on my face betray the plentiful weight of my soul,

I am at that age when the world feels fragile

Where does the time go?

Does it take the hands of the dead

And escort them to the next life

Always remembering to turn around

And come back

For more and more of us each day?

Cheat Day Writings

Is everyone and their momma still posting about the Super Bowl? Is that why my Internet is so slow?

Ha!

Congratulations, Philadelphia Eagles. I did not watch the game. I did laundry and washed my hair. But I read online that it was riveting and I do love it when an underdog wins.

I washed my hair and clothes for a little too long and had a late dinner. So, here’s a cheat day writing from almost 10 years ago. I wrote this little thought piece back on July 7, 2008.

Until tomorrow, my friends….

 

Fighting Cynicism

Lately, I’ve been fighting with feelings of cynicism.  Some people fight with obesity, depression, self-hatred, hatred for others.  For myself, my internal fight, at least at this stage in my life, is definitely with cynicism.

I can remember back to when I first became familiar with the idea of cynicism, even before I knew that it had a name.  I was perhaps in sixth or seventh grade, and we were learning about the life of Anne Frank.  I remember being immediately infatuated with her life, her letters, and her struggle.  But the thing that fascinated me most was her seemingly unwavering belief in the goodness of human beings.

Thinking about Anne Frank and my first associations with her life makes me feel hopeful, yet ashamed.  I feel hopeful because if Anne Frank could maintain her positive outlook on human beings, then I know it is entirely possible.  I feel hugely ashamed because my own life hasn’t been nearly as eventful, trying, or terrifying as Anne Frank’s, yet I still find myself battling daily to maintain my love for people.

In all honesty, I’ve never been much of a “people person.”  I have never used that term to describe myself.  I’ve never been that bubbly, personable person with whom others fall in love quickly.  I’ve never been a great salesperson, or even terribly interested in the mundane, everyday activities of other people.  I’ve always found it weird and uncomfortable if anyone ever showed any interest in my everyday activities.  Not to say that I am heartless; I strive to be very kind.  Contrarily, I have found that general “niceness” is overrated for the most part, unless it’s used to talk one’s way out of a speeding ticket.

Kindness, on the other hand, has always been hugely underrated to me.  It seems that as humans, we put greater  value on how we are perceived (as nice or not) rather than what we really are (kind or totally unconcerned about the welfare of others).  I, rather it happened purposefully or not, have always been more concerned with trying to actually be kind.  I learned at a very young age that I am unable to pretend to be nice, but I’ve never found it hard to be kind, even to assholes who are totally undeserving.

Cheat Day

The past two weeks have been so busy. My candle wick has been burned down to a tiny little nub.

Here’s to a cheat day!

This is a poem that I wrote on January 8, 2018. Not that long ago!

Have a great weekend and as usual, see ya tomorrow, friends…

What’s in the sun’s rays?

It’s the boyish grin of a fella on a first date,

It’s the warm smile that a balding father gives to his kids,

It’s the delight of children who know that they picked the right day to play sick,

It’s the lonely eyes of the writer, the observer, who watches it all

Cheat Day #2

Guess who got a new client?

ME!

Guess who worked all day and now she’s kind of tired?

ALSO ME!

Guess who ate a lunchable, one half a cupcake, and two corndogs for dinner?

I am embarrassed to say that yes, it is also me.

My brain is kind of a block of cement right now. Not much going in or out in terms of creativity.

Buttttt, way back on March 15, 2006, my brain was working just fine and I wrote the poem below.

What do you think?

All rights reserved. You may not copy, share, or anything else other than read this poem silently, from your screen.

ENJOY!

Poem:

“I Won’t Be”

I won’t be a fairy tale.

Some times I’ll run away

And write unnecessary lines about love

And possibly about you

For an entire day,

But while you do

Whatever it is you do

While I am gone

Know that my heart never left

And my body is on the way back home.

 

I won’t be a princess.

Sometimes I throw my drawers on the floor

For a few moments

While I am in the shower

Or until the next day

When I’ll kick them to the other side of the door

But walk by them and think

Of how much I love you.

 

I won’t always be so nice.

I am fighting an internal and eternal struggle

Against pessimism and while I learn how to win

There will be some days

That I simply cannot explain

But know that no matter what

Your smile

Or an eye kiss

Or that thing you do when

You lean down at me and squint

Is all the reassurance I need

To win the battle going on inside.

Understanding I Know Nothing 

Today isn’t a cheat day, but I will admit that I am somewhat hurriedly writing this from the tub, where I desperately need to soak.

Ongoing stress is continuing to wreck my body, but I’m doing my best to get the almost constant aches under control through massage, meditation, and warm soaks. Oh, and at least two Advil a day. Please, no one tell my liver.

I know that the tension and pain I am feeling is due to stress. I know that it is temporary.  I’m trying to remember that when I feel the discomfort. 

Everything is temporary.  I can’t be uncomfortable forever because I can’t BE HERE forever.  That’s morbid, but thinking that way does put the stressors and the stress in perspective. 

I am thankful because man, I am learning a lot. Every day, I learn something new it seems, and I am reminded of how little I know about anything at all, including myself.

To help me along on this journey of self discovery, the Universe sent me an angel, in the form of a friend, who gave me a copy of Eckhart Tolle ‘s book, “A New Earth: Awakening Your Life’s Purpose.”

What are you reading? Has anything you read recently really changed your life?

Stay hopeful…

Until tomorrow, my friends…

A Trip to IKEA

Yes, today, I am going to write about the trip that I took to IKEA today. I could write about the most impactful people and times of my life every day, but what would be the fun in that?

Have you ever played hooky from work and went to do something that would otherwise be tedious or boring but because you are SUPPOSED to be working, that thing is now the most magical activity ever? That’s what it’s like to go to IKEA at 2:00 pm on a Wednesday.

The parking was easy, navigating the aisles were easy, walking past their vast collection of printed napkins was not easy.

This trip to IKEA wasn’t especially interesting or revolutionary. I went there to look their offerings in the home office storage department. I took lots of photos of things I would like or would use. I actually only bought a glass bowl to organize my tea collection and two fabric closet organizers. I didn’t even bother to pay 50 cents for a bag, or whatever they cost nowadays.

I love going to IKEA and seeing all the nifty ways they display living solutions on the showroom floor. I always leave there thinking, oh, yeah, I could totally live in less than 300 square feet, even though I am sure the smallest apartment I’ve ever lived in was at least twice that size.

I am also a little achy today, and I am admittedly not feeling very creative. Too much time slumped over my computer coupled with general and ongoing anxiety, has left me in one big ole knot.

What mundane thing did you do today?

Until tomorrow, my friends…

Cheat Day #1

I predicted this.

I predicted, before I started this experiment, this commitment, that some days, I will just be exhausted and not have the will to write.

What will I do on these days? Break my commitment to writing everyday? Well, no , not exactly, but kind of.

On these days, let’s call this cheat day #1, I will share something that I have written in the past. The rules are: 1) It can be anything that I have written in the past and 2) I will not edit it to change the meaning or tone of what I meant at that time.

So, please enjoy this strange, one page anecdote that I wrote way back, almost 7 years ago, on 08/24/2011.

ENJOY

 

A day in the life of corporate America (or The Little Leaf that Could)

 

Today at work, I was sitting outside the building, taking what I like to call my non-smoker smoke break. I came up with this idea after seeing fellow smoking co-workers eagerly plod down the hallway past my office, off to take their smoke breaks. I became a bit jealous, admittedly, and decided to simply go outside, too (and not smoke).

So there I sat, on the green, cast iron rocking chairs in front of my building. A young, blond girl from Human Resources, in all of her young and blonde glory, came by and asked what I was doing. I thought the answer to that question was rather obvious. I was obviously sitting in a chair, rocking back forth, hence the name of the chair. That description describes one hundred percent of my activity at that time. But, I knew her asking the obvious question was an attempt to make conversation, so I decided to one-up her. Not only would I answer her question; I would answer it with a bit of wit and humor.

“I am warming up,” I said, referring to the freezing 65°F that is the normal temperature for our office building.

“Ha ha…that shouldn’t take too long,” she replied. She went on to chat for a few more minutes about some topic in which I was even less interested. I was honestly very happy to see her enter the building. I was tired of both envying her gorgeous shoes and feigning interest in her uninteresting story.

So, returned to my peaceful sitting. No iPhone in my hand. No computer in front of me. Just sitting. And just then, I had an epiphany. Instead of just looking straight ahead (into the parking lot full of good ole’ boy trucks parked next to pretentious eco-friendly trash), why won’t I look UP? UP! UP!! How often do adults look up at the clouds? I wondered to myself. So, I looked up. I relaxed my fluffy ponytail and head on the back of the chair and looked up at the sky. My eyes seemed to react…they seemed to wonder what I was doing. I decided to try to find shapes in the clouds, like little kids do (or something).

I looked for a few seconds when from the corner of my left eye, I saw a small leaf fluttering down, seemingly coming from nowhere. It made its slow descent and landed on one of the tables. I was almost shocked. No, I was completely shocked. Shocked because there are no trees around for quite some distance. There are especially no trees on top of the building. And the leaf just seemed to float down from exactly nowhere.

I looked around. I looked up. Not wanting to seem silly or even the least bit un-cool, I casually stood up and stretched. I even faked a little moan when I stretched, you know, to seem like my stretch was the most authentic stretch ever stretched. I sauntered over to the leaf and looked down. I looked up again, to try to see where it may have come from. Still, no idea. I picked up the small leaf and looked into the windows of the building next to me. The dark tint prevented me from seeing how many people were staring down at me and this incredible, appearing from nowhere, little leaf.

I knew that there were probably dozens of people sitting at their desks inside the building, just cheering me on to keep the leaf and one day describe the awesomeness that broke up the monotony of their corporate America lives. This leaf would have to represent all that we wanted to be- free and floating carelessly, not frozen by overzealous air conditioning or fattened by our sedimentary lifestyles. And all of our freedom would have to come out of nowhere, just like the little leaf.